Hello again, friends. If you’re reading this then you’ve come to check out what the cruel, heartless universe has in store for you this week. As usual, we’ve rubbed our voodoo crystals together and thrown some magic sh*t into a cauldron to really stir the pot for you this week. Here's what you're *really* in for.
Ah, Aquarius. You’ve discovered the magic that is Afterpay. You do realise that you actually have to pay though, right? Please be careful, because your funds really can’t support your new-found shopping addiction. And Mum doesn’t want you tapping into her account either.
Damn, Pisces. You’re finally on a role and it’s great to see. We don’t see much more than a lot of smiles and a little love in the air for you. Fingers crossed it involves a handsome stranger and finding $50 on the street.
It’s all well and good to let your hair down, Aries. We're all about having a good time. But let's be honest—lately, you’ve become an espresso martini nightmare and your friends are getting sick of it. Stay classy out there.
Rug up, Taurus. Tis the season to be fluey, and no one can be bothered with you when you’re sick. Prevent the moping and nose blowing by taking care of yourself this week. We recommend honey, ginger, turmeric and lemon. You can thank us later.
That date you're looking forward to? It's just not gonna work out. Soz. Better you hear it from us.
Ah, cancer. You may feel a little lost this week. But that’s okay. Take advantage of the massive support system you have around you. Your friends and family will show you the way.
Wow, this weather is really reflecting your ice-cold personality, Leo. Whatever it is that’s making you grumpy, let it go. Whether it’s work, friend or family-related, this mood isn’t healthy. Shake it off, baby.
Word to the wise, Virgo, your boss can actually tell when you’re on Facebook and not working. Shock-horror, we know. If you want to be taken more seriously in your workplace, quit checking your social media every 5 seconds and focus on getting the job done.
Time to quit all that coffee for a decent sleep and a good face mask, Libra (Loreal have a pretty good clay one btw, if you’re looking). All of that caffeine isn’t good for your tummy. And we can feel you jittering from here.
Something has been playing on your mind a lot lately, Scorps, and it’s in your nature to toss and turn over everything. Remember that it's okay to put yourself first and take some time out from things that are making you unsettled. Try meditating or even some hot yoga. Zennnnnnn.
We think it’s time for an adventure, Sag. You’ve been a bit of a homebody lately. While you may be restricted to Melbourne right now (which sure as hell isn’t a European summer, we know) try and have a little fun. Fun is healthy. Fun is good.
All’s fair in love and war, Cap. That’s all we’re going to say…
Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist