We thank our lucky stars daily that we’re living through the social media era and that’s mainly because we just can’t get enough of stalking our favourite reality show tragics celebs. We love them. No really, we do. But honestly, by now they should know that we’re all too happy to speculate, gossip and plain make shit up after a good stalk on Insta.
Want to know who hooks up, breaks up and gets engaged on Bachelor in Paradise (airing this Sunday, FYI)? Look no further team. This is the most un-official guide to everything that will absolutely (maybe, possibly) go down this season, based on ads, Instas and every trashy rag we can get out mitts on.
Oh, and SPOILER ALERT? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We’ll kick things off with the reason we’re all really here—Osher. Ooooh Osh. Last sighted on the TenPlay website on Monday, this beautiful man laid it all out really simply for us. After explaining what a frangipani is (cheers for that mate), he explained that Bachelor in Paradise is a show where a bevvy of lucky islanders that are single and ready to mingle (drink) gets their second chance at love (drink), and that there’ll be rose ceremonies on the reg (DRINK). He also sounds like a kindergarten teacher trying to explain some intense maths. It’s all here.
If you’ve watched the ads as much as we have then you’ll know Lisa might get a little bit close to the resident pro soccer player, but if you follow her on Instagram you’ll also know that she’s ditched Australia in the lead up to the premiere. Is she going the extra mile to hide her relationship or did she just rage quit the entire scenario? Unsure, TBH.
Ali is all about the #fitspo #cleanlyfe on Insta but she’s really ramped up the foodie posts lately. We’re pretty sure that’s the Bachie-land equivalent of being wife-ready (we know, it hurts our hearts too), so what we’re thinking is that Ali has gotten engaged.
Which brings us to this guy. We don’t even need to go to his Insta page to know he’s the one who got down on one knee—you all know it’s true too.
We’re mostly excited about watching Keira and Leah constantly trying to pull the other down a peg or two. We’re also pretty sure Keira is still single and ready to mingle but is loving life with her new bestie Laurina.
Laurina is alllll about the Bachie gal pals which tells us a couple of things. Firstly, she obviously didn’t piss off any of the other girls by stealing people’s men and also, she’s definitely single RN.
Flo’s Instagram has become a mish mash of brunching, sponsored posts and her looking cute, but it’s all a bit impersonal. She’s totally hiding something and we think it’s a man. From Bachelor in Paradise. You get it—she’s locked down.
Brett’s already given up the ghost and we’re thinking it’s because no one really remembers him (sorry Brett, you know it’s true too). He’s shacked up with Steph from Matty J’s season. We’re confused about him breaking protocol too but they’re cute AF #justsayin.
We’re too scared to comment on anything Leah related.
On 30 November our fave man Luke posted a cryptic Instagram pic that said: Fuck small talk. Show me your Soul. We’ll ignore Keira’s comment (it says ‘DEEP!!’ in case you’re wondering) and move straight onto the defensive. Seriously, if we find out someone else has broken lovely Luke’s heart…
We like to think someone snapped up sweet baby Tara the moment she stepped onto the island but our prediction is she falls hard and fast with one of the originals. Before realising she’s actually in love with an intruder that’s already been on a date with Keira. She’s also posted a photo with Davey and the caption says “we’re only friends, I swear. No really, the friend zone is real” so we’re 70% sure they’re just friends.
Apollo & Elora
We’ll just throw the two fire twirlers together and assume they had some wild sex before Apollo shrugged and said something to the effect of ‘I’m really young and still have a few good years of Bach fame ahead of me so soz, this won’t work”.
Elora & Megan Marx
Elora will then hit it off with Megan and we alllll remember that glimpse of them macking out in the pool, now don't we? Also, they're standing next to one another in two photos on Megan's Instagram so the fact they're still together is all but confirmed in our eyes.
There are many other people we will love watching way too much (Michael the self-proclaimed international soccer star for starters) and we’re really hoping the producer will throw a spanner and help someone like Megan or Nina steal the God damn show.
And to survive the entire thing, you'll need to download our Boozy Bachie Bingo drinking game.
Image credit: TenPlay