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Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Greta Waters - 15 Jan 2018

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Okay, you’re making it pretty obvious—the only thing that's getting you up and out of your perfectly air-conditioned room is the thought of 5pm knockoffs in the sun. Whether you choose to believe it or not, the stars are mad. Real mad. They’ve taken a leaf out of your lazy book and decided to play dirty this week. While the bad news rolls in, you should start praying.

Brace yourselves, here’s what you’re ~really~ in for this week.

Aries, your aura is all wrong and the higher powers have requested you re-jig your chi. How? Make a list of your aspirations, fantasies and all the things you have ever wanted to do. Frame it, burn it, lick it, we don’t care—just tick those babies off one by one. You’ve got all year, go!

The Universe has got it in for you, Taurus. We don’t know how or why, but we strongly suggest taking matters into your own hands. Do something totally out of your comfort zone this week. Trust us, a spanner in the works is what you and your intended path need RN. C’mon, show us what you’ve got!  

Gems, you’ve dodged a bullet this week. For some bizarre reason, the stars have forgiven your summer of sins and you’re off the hook! From the wise words of Skipper the Penguin: smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Let this wave of luck take its course, no questions asked. 

This week the Sun is moving through your Fifth House of Romance. Translation? The Universe is going to f*ck with your self-expression, creativity and relationships. Even though you may have found the perfect balance of play, attention and romance…all your fun is about to be undone.

It’s 2015—the Force officially awakened, the term 'Netflix & chill' hasn't been used more than 430,000 times on Twitter, and Obama is still president. Life was simple, life was good. Leos, it’s time to sit back and reflect on the two-year rampage you’ve been on. It’s too late for regrets, but it’s never too late for change.

All right Virgs, we’ve been watching you scroll, swipe and screenshot a little bit much recently. What are you searching for? A new pair of kicks? A sweet new Tinder bae? The perfect Emu meme that will waste 10 seconds of your bestie's time? News flash—the real world is happening and it’s pretty incredible. Get woke!. 

Money. Formally known as moola, dosh, green demons, bucks, clams, coin, dough, stacks, bacon, smackers. Whatever you like to call it Libs, your bank account doesn’t seem to have it. There are whispers the Universe will splurge on you as soon as you splurge on some self-improvement. Tick tock!

Scorpios, can we please take a moment to reflect on your January? We’re here for a good time, not a long time. So, the whole ignoring your friends' calls and solo invites to the pity party is getting old. It’s time to embrace Mother Nature’s light nights and lush gardens (that have obvs been given to us for drinking purposes)

Hey Sags, this week is all about sincerity. The Universe is having a hot moment of truth, so any deceit or hypocrisy you’ve been holding onto needs to GTFO. Whether you write, text or scream it—the truth will set you free. Trust the process, friends, the higher powers always know best.

Caps, the charts have spoken and they want to tell you something. It must be important bc they won’t even tell us, their trusty cosmic comrades! Chinese whispers can be dangerous, and knowing these astrology folk they will give you a sign. Keep your mind open and eyes peeled.

With Harry Styles and Ellen DeGeneres on your team, we can see why you Aquarians always feel the need to make the world a better place. All the sacrifices you’ve made have been for a good cause, but what about your own cause? It’s time to take charge of your own life and understand what you’re avoiding.

Uh oh spaghettio, it’s about to go down. Pieces, the higher powers are flipping everything upside down and back to front. To avoid confusion (and Mars aliens invading Earth) you need to stay away from the bad books. Head down, big smile and deep breaths. You got this.

We aren’t making this stuff up, it snowed in the Sahara Desert this week! 

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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