After Wednesday night’s episode, we’re confident about only three things: 1) each and every one of these hoons is completely unemployable now, 2) the islanders eat meals of plastic plates, and 3) Dom’s a f*ckwit. While an entire generation of Australians’ morals are now in question, all we can really say is thank f*ck it’s Thursday.
Here are 36 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens in the hideaway just as Grant rips Tayla’s nighty right off in front of all the islanders and, you know, Australia.
- After a quick cuddle, Grant confesses to Tayla that ‘oi roily loik yah’ and she says ‘yeah cheers thanks a lot, give me a back rub or go back to sleep’.
- Next door in the communal bedroom, everyone’s fast asleep spooning each other and-
- WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK, SOMEONE’S SLEEPING IN JEANS.
- The scene then switches to Grant and Tayla literally conceiving a child, which are three minutes I can never unsee.
- The next morning, Erin, Eden and Josh have a laugh about premature ejaculation and ‘pale people’.
- The camera then zooms in on a condom wrapper inside the Sex Dungeon of Love because THERE ARE NO LIMITS ON THIS SHOW.
- Outside by the pool, Grant tells the boys that last night in the Sex Dungeon of Love was the best night of his life.
- Meanwhile, across the pool, Tayla is bragging about his throbbing intellect.
- And Grant is having another crisis of emotions, this time it’s because he’s having these intense feeling of ‘heart warmth’ every time he sees or thinks about Tayla.
- Nothing’s really happening out on the lawn so Cass gives Dom a scare for laughs and he tries to stab her in the neck.
- Eden, Jax and Josh are having a solid sesh of slagging off Dom, eventually he actually joins them and confesses that he couldn’t give two sh*ts about Cass, he’s here for the free barbecues.
- Josh then gets a text telling him to get back in the kitchen (for a refreshing change) and host a cooking challenge that is quite literally seven minutes of pure porn.
- Honestly, it’s like walking into the wrong room at a party and having the door lock behind you, leaving you to claw your own eyes out as the only escape.
- Jaxon is now at his wit's end trying to find a female who’ll give him a second glance, he’s not even fussy about the species.
- Meanwhile, Millie, Franny and Mac are up on the balcony literally braiding each other’s hair and doing their bit for the traditional gender binary.
- Grant then asks Dom, in front of Josh, how things are going with Cassidy and he says ‘who?’.
- A few minutes later, Dom and Whatsherface have a chat by the pool about how they don’t really have the hots for each other but appreciate their genuine personalities. The conversation is very much not mutual and the whole of Australia very much IS banging their heads against the wall.
- Josh then asks Mac if she wants to grab a Chicko roll down the shops and she says ‘sh*t yeah’.
- And Jax and Elias have a chat about which girl to “have a crack at” next.
- Someone’s phone goes off and all of a sudden everyone’s in the bathroom, crimping their bangs in anticipation for Sophie’s impending visit.
- Justin then offers Cass some hot tips about how to bag a hornbag in the villa that very much toes the line of consent, but apparently once you get to a certain level of hotness in your life, permission becomes redundant.
- Sophie then arrives and demands that everyone get the heck over to the fire pit, she has some very devastating news that will make skolling mojitos in her Spanish bungalow tonight VERY hard.
- She then drops the bombshell that while they were sleeping, not only were their bits being filmed by a series of cameras but Australia was also voting for who on the island was most likely to bag a bird.
- It turns out that the leading bird-bagger is Eden, who’s safe to inhale carbonara for at least another day.
- Josh and Grant are then given the green light to continue working on the various malignant melanomas growing on their backs.
- After a series of nervous tears from Sophie, she reveals that ‘Aussies h8 players’ and sends Elias packing, but not before dropping a YUGE bombshell that “toow a-ya ah loivin’ the oiland t-noit”.
- Justin says a few heartfelt words about finding himself in the villa.
- And Jaxon repeats his year twelve captaincy speech, with an added paragraph about working with children with disabilities.
- Sophie then reveals that it’ll be Eden and Erin who decide whether Jaxon or Justin deserve to continue their quest to become secure in their own masculinity on the island.
- They have a snog on the balcony for a couple of minutes before returning to the fire pit with their choice of who will be packing their bags this evening and who will be reclaiming the logins to their Insta account.
- Eden then announces that he’s giving Justin the flick because he’s uncomfortable with how much he’s challenging traditional gender roles on the island.
- Justin and Elias are then forced to pack their curling wands and get the hell off the property before Santiago sets the stray cats on them.
- This is followed by several minutes of teary goodbyes for Justin and a couple of fist bumps and finger guns for Elias.
- And then several minutes of monotonous whining from Jaxon who doesn’t understand how someone with a beard, a back tatt and a ute cannot be the sexiest man in the room.
- The only redeeming quality of this show is that every second clip in the commercial breaks is the Australian Government’s ‘Respect Women’ ad. They know their bloody audience.
Catch up on the rest of the Love Island drahmz here.
Image credit: 9Now